Friday, January 6, 2012

I have a syndrome

I was fascinated today when I opened an email in my personal account. It was advertising a webinar, but as I read the words, I started to wonder if someone was playing a joke on me. The webinar being advertised in the email talked about a syndrome I had never heard of, but the symptoms sounded very familiar.

The webinar is about Impostor Syndrome, and as I read what it was, it answered a lot of lifelong questions for me. Impostor Syndrome is basically an irrational belief that nothing one accomplishes is because of their own effort or expertise, but more likely because of luck or being able to "fool" their way through.

A few months ago, in response to a writing challenge, I wrote a post entitled The imposter. I have always felt like this, and the possibility that this is because of a syndrome is incredible. I am interested in it because of my own feelings, but also as a Gender Equity Trainer, I am wondering how closely tied to Attribution Theory this syndrome might be (note to self: do some research on this).

I researched a little and found an informative article from Forbes that describes the syndrome entitled Feeling Like a Fraud: Living With Impostor Syndrome. After reading it, I realized that I have let these feelings hold me back for a long time. I have resisted opportunities that have been placed before me for fear that someone will finally figure me out.

I'm not sure what to do with this information, but I have always believed that fully understanding a problem is the first step to solving it. This news actually has me feeling more hopeful than I have in a long time.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Feeling better already

Last night, I did my second round of leg workout at the gym and this morning, Nathan and I did our first morning aerobic workout which focused on - guess what? Legs! I'm sore, yes, but I also noticed throughout the day that I was already feeling like my legs are toning up! I have a very long way to go, but walking through the school today with a feeling like I was closer to being the athlete I used to be and farther away from the couch potato I had become was awesome . . . and motivating!

I'm also very, very happy about Nathan joining me in the mornings for the workout. It is very early in the morning (5:30 a.m.) and he's just a kid, but he woke up, got dressed, and worked up a sweat, all the same!

I'm feeling very positive about this resolution. I find myself making different kinds of choices all day long, whether the choice is about food, how I am going to spend my time, when will I get exercise. I can tell I'm making better choices in every aspect and because of that, I don't even care whether this all results in weight loss or anything else - I'm already receiving a huge benefit - feeling good about myself!

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Legs, legs, legs!

Had a pretty good day today. I didn't journal my eating, but I think I did fairly well. Spent a good amount of time at the gym today doing a leg workout. My legs are really floppy now, so I know I pushed my limits well!

One great thing coming from going to the gym regularly is that more of the family are going, too. Three of the kids joined David and I. I have to say, Nathan is turning out to be quite the gym rat - he's doing great!

Tonight, we went to Target and purchased some workout videos, since I couldn't ever find mine. This means that tomorrow at O dark thirty, I'll be burning calories!

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

First day back to school

I have been a little worried about heading back to school. Over the break, I was really good about going to the gym and making time for the family. I know once I get back into the swing of things, my old habits are likely to sneak back in.

My day started off going nothing like I had planned. I intended to do a 30 minute everyday low-impact aerobic workout. I dutifully woke up at 5:30 a.m., donned my workout attire, and headed to the living room to get started. Unfortunately, I could not find the videos and when I tried to find a suitable alternative on the 100s of television channels we get, I couldn't find anything. I ended up doing some light calisthenics and proceeding on with my morning preparations.

The good thing about the morning was that I did do a better job of budgeting my time. I had gotten into a bad habit of waking up in the morning and spending a half hour or so on the computer. My deal with myself was that if I did everything else first - workout, shower, get dressed, eat a healthy breakfast - if I had any time left over, I could sit down at the computer. Flipping everything around did wonders - I was able to get ready AND spend some time on the computer. Double bonus - I didn't have to grab an unhealthy breakfast on the way out of town because I had already eaten the healthy one I had planned the night before.

I was super busy at work, which probably is a good thing - lots of walking through the big school. After lunch, I got a call and learned that I was one of three finalists for a state award I had been nominated for. What a great way to start the new year!!!

A late meeting after school meant I was in danger of losing my focus for dinner, but my wonderful husband was already making the meal we had planned by the time I got home. I did probably snack a little more after school than I should have, but I kept it all fairly healthy.

All in all, I'm not going to kick myself for today. I did much better than I really thought I would this first day back and I'm very optimistic about doing even better tomorrow.

Monday, January 2, 2012

Now that 2012 is here . . .

Every year, I, like many others, come up with my resolution for the year. I usually don't feel very confident that I'll be able to keep the resolution, but this year, I feel very committed to mine.

I resolve to live every day like the precious blessing it is.

I decided to make a major life change in part because of something tragic that happened a few weeks ago. Megan Baab, a 19-year-old who had grown up in my church, and who I cannot remember ever seeing without a huge smile on her face and loving life, was killed when the bicycle she was riding was struck head-on by another 19-year-old who fell asleep at the wheel on his way home from college for the holidays.

This tragedy affected everyone who had ever met Megan, and several who never knew about her until her death. An avid bicyclist, we all believed that we would see Megan's name become well known in the national cycling community. Over 300 people showed up for a memorial ride the weekend after her death - among them my husband.

It was the day of the ride that my resolution came to me. The only thing that had kept me from joining my husband on that ride was that I am so out of shape. Just a few years ago, I had spent my 40th birthday happily peddling up and down the hills of eastern Kansas after having spent the previous week bicycling from the Colorado border across the state. What had happened to me that I couldn't even go on a 25 mile ride to honor this huge loss?

That day, I realized that Megan was given 19 precious years on this Earth and she had lived each day as fully as she could. She died doing the one thing she loved most. If I have already been given another 27 years more than Megan, then why am I throwing it away by getting out of shape, gaining weight, and not having time for my family?

I'm firmly committed to making sure that make 2012 the best, one day at a time. Exercising, eating right, taking time to read, taking time to spend quality time with my family, taking time to enjoy being silly - so that each day becomes a tribute and a day of thanksgiving for the blessings I am given.