The bench

I am at the age when nostalgia is activated by some of the smallest, oddest occurrences. Today, it was a bench.

Yesterday, I attended an all day science conference. When I am away from home on the weekend, David will often decide to get projects done and this time, one of the projects was to buy two chairs to replace the bench that has been a part of our dining room table since we were a new family.

Today, I was thinking about that bench and all that it represented. I remembered that day we bought the table, which came with that bench, and I remembered the reasons we needed it. In July, 2004, we became a family of seven - a combined family which had started off as two families - one with four and one with three. The four of us (my three biological children and myself) moved in with the three of them (David and his two biological children) and did the best we could with a small house that was furnished for three.

The dining room table we started off with was not necessarily small - it would comfortably seat six and no more. For a few months, when it was time to have a meal together, we would pull up a folding chair to give the 7th person, usually Nathan, since he was the youngest, a place to sit. This person had to sit on a corner of the table. We made it work because we really didn't think we could afford a new table. When we had guests, we brought the sewing chair or more folding chairs and crowded in.

The table during home renovations in 2012

One day, I saw an ad for World Market which featured a dining room table that had a bench and it wasn't too expensive. David and I went to the store and brought home the table we have today.

The bench represented something - an acknowledgement that our families had become one - that we were always going to need at least seven places at our table. A new chapter in our lives.

So when David replaced the bench with two chairs, it was more than a furniture change, it felt like it represented a significant milestone in our family dynamic. Now that we are back to being a family of four because the three oldest broke our number one rule - "don't grow up" - and did just that, it makes sense to have more formal seating at the table.

The memories of our small children, then ages 2-12, seated around the table and the often cacophonous conversations that took place there are precious in my mind. I remember times when all of the kids would be gone over spring break (visiting their other families), and the silence was so heavy in the house that I didn't want to be there. The first day that all of them would be back was a joy - it reminded me of the first day of summer camp. That time when lots of people arrived at approximately the same time who hadn't seen each other for awhile. The laughter, loud conversations, conflicts arising as everyone settled back into their bedrooms in our little house. I remember each of those days fondly, as I sat and soaked in the noise. That first family meal after everyone returned was centered around that table. My life always felt right again as I watched the activity and listened to the stories they all had to tell.

A bench prompted these memories. The table, too large for those of us who are left, still fills our dining room, and the bench lurks under the guitar wall, protecting the guitars from misguided shoulders and waiting until the next time we need to seat more than six. We haven't completely gotten rid of the big family table, but it still feels almost like an ending to a movie, with the sequel having already begun.

New Year New Life

The year 2013 was a huge year for my family. Two of our children graduated from high school and we watched them in the rear-view mirror as we pulled away from their colleges - 4 1/2 and 6 hours away from home. David graduated, finally, from college with the bachelor's degree he started working toward over 20 years ago. I started pursuing, finally, a master's degree after figuring out what my passion is. Our oldest daughter got engaged on Christmas Day, and we started realizing we are moving into the next chapter of our lives.

The thing is, we're not finished with the chapter we are on. As we look toward 2014, we have plans and goals in mind. I am now about halfway through my master's degree plan and I've realized I'm not stopping and will move right into a PhD program as soon as I'm finished with the master's. Before David finished walking across that stage in West Virginia, he already had thoughts of LSAT preparation and law school fluttering around in his head. What I find myself wondering about is this - when do we stop?

You see, I am much closer to 50 now than 45. David is two years younger than me, but still - we have three adult children. Many of our peers have grandbabies they cuddle and love. Some have purchased vacation homes, own their own businesses, and have achieved other "grown-up" milestones. Should we settle in and realize that we wasted too much of our youth? That dreams of terminal degrees and new careers are for those half our age?

To answer this question, I first turn to a memory. When I was about 10 years old, my father's aunt graduated from nursing school. She was in her 50s. I remember thinking "wow, she didn't let her oldness get to her!" I found her dedication to pursue a life dream inspiring and I referred to that memory often when I finally started my serious college education around the age of 34.

When I started college in my 30s, I had already established a life. It was a life of high-school-diploma-type clerical jobs. I had worked my way into junior management, but that is really all the farther I would have gone. What started as developing office skills as a way to earn money through college had become my life instead of college. I had two children. My first husband had started a new job that earned enough money that meant I could quit my job and, in my own words, I "jumped off that cliff". I had dreamed of meeting my high school classmates someday and having the same credentials as they have (I never will, because they have had a lot more years to establish really cool credentials after graduating from college 10 years before I even started). I delivered my third child four days before finals during my first year at a university. I didn't miss my finals. I was so determined. My second year was looking really good until the baby born in my first year was diagnosed with cancer shortly after the second semester began and I soon figured out I wouldn't be completing that semester. Still, I persisted and returned in the fall, taking a lot of "distance" courses so that I could complete them while sitting in my son's hospital room. When I graduated from college, I was close to my 39th birthday. I became a high school teacher soon after. *career 2*

As I worked through the education system as it is right now, I came to realize my passion was for correcting that system. Specifically, I wanted to turn to my science background to conduct meaningful research that would help teachers and education agencies understand the best ways to teach every student, depending on gender, ethnicity, culture, and socioeconomic status. I knew that a master's degree in education wouldn't quite give me the background I wanted to have as a solid scientific researcher, so I am pursuing my master's degree in sociology and plan my PhD to focus on experimental, social psychology. *career 3*

Realities settle in, however, and I know my deepest joy comes from teaching. I suspect what I will really do with my PhD is be a professor. *career 4*

So the question, when do we stop, is hard to answer. Rather, I am faced with other questions - is it prudent to keep going? Should I stop? Do I need to realize it is too late for me?

My philosophies, the mantras that have literally kept me alive through deepest depressions, say that I should pursue as long as my heart and my mind are able to pursue. I can't tell you how many times I have told people "it is never too late" when I have heard them talk about how they wish they had gone to college.

I know there will be people out there who will see David and I, well into middle age, hiking across campuses to get to our night classes after our day jobs who will think we are being frivolous.

I don't think it is frivolous. It is dedicated. It is being true to ourselves, rather than to the expectations of others or of society. It is joyous. It is providing a model for our children and grandchildren that says that mistakes do not have to be permanent. It says that destinations are not nearly as important as journeys. It says that making your life happen is far more rewarding than waiting for it to happen to you.

Whether David finishes law school or I ever become a professor isn't nearly as important as the firm knowledge that we will never, ever have to wonder what would have happened if we had tried. When do we stop? When we are finished.

A beautiful person . . .

As promised, I've certainly not posted every day. Today, I am inspired to post and here is the quote I'll refer to:

“Sometimes people are beautiful.
Not in looks.
Not in what they say.
Just in what they are.” - Markus Zusak

Today, the world lost a beautiful person. My uncle, David Moore, passed away quietly after a long, difficult struggle with cancer. The cancer resided in his throat, which silenced this man, who had been a gifted preacher throughout his life. My Uncle Dave, as we called him, was always a quiet inspiration. Soft spoken, except occasionally when addressing his children, Uncle Dave had a subtle way of getting his message across.

If I were to list individuals who have been most instrumental in my spiritual formation, Uncle Dave would be on that list. I can remember spending time in his home during the summers, with my sisters and cousins. On Saturday evenings, we were to be quiet - this was when Uncle Dave would be doing final preparations for his sermon the next day. One evening, we had a particularly difficult time keeping quiet and when Uncle Dave raised his voice, one of my cousins, his daughter, responded "well, Dad, if you wouldn't wait until the last minute to write your sermons . . .", to which he replied, pointing to his temple, "I haven't waited until the last minute, I've had it in here all week."

I'm not sure why that interaction stuck in my head. It is likely something nobody else remembers, but I have used that story many times when teaching Sunday school classes or leading Bible studies. Preparation isn't just about the visible effort. Most of the time, the bulk of work in life is indeed done within the mind.

Uncle Dave was all about being a Christian during the time I knew him. Occasionally in his sermons, he would reveal a different Dave, one who had a bit of a wild side when he first met my grandparents, who would become his in-laws. He was a hard-worker who clearly loved his wife and his children deeply, with a dry sense of humor and a gentle smile. He probably never knew how much he influenced my life or the lives of the many he touched through his ministry and his being.

I'm a better person because I knew him. Rest in peace, Uncle Dave.

A new endeavor

My son recently started writing a blog and reading it has reminded me how much that end-of-day reflection can influence the outcomes for the following days. I decided to take on a personal challenge - to write in my blog more often. If you look back through this blog, you'll see how unlikely it is that I will achieve this, but I think I'll at least do it today.

My thought was that I could find inspiration in quotes and expound upon them. My desire would be to leave gems of wisdom for my children, since really nobody reads this blog (except you, Andrea, my friend!). At the same time, though, my hope is that I can turn what has become a new chapter in my life into an introspective period of personal growth.

The quote for today is this:

“Don’t let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.” - Richard L. Evans
 

I took a plunge - not the first one I've taken in my life - two months ago when I quit my full-time, fairly secure job in the pursuit of a career I have more control over. I started my own business and now am either at home taking care of home things, at home doing work for clients, or traveling for clients. I've never been one to let fear keep me from pursuing my dreams. Sometimes, this has left me scrambling to fix something I've messed up because of that pursuit, but every single time I have grown from the experience.

I chose this quote because I see life having way too much power over people. In today's instant-gratification atmosphere, people, especially young ones, tend to think they should be able to achieve their end goal first, without having to take the tiny steps that are required to get there.

When they do this, they are cheating themselves. First, it is very unlikely they will reach their end goal if they don't take the right paths to get there. Second, even if they do manage to achieve the end goal, maybe by luck or chance, maybe because of who they know, or because of some cosmic favor, they have missed out on the lessons along the way.

In my life, I have experienced many things that I wish I hadn't - Loss of loved ones, divorce, a child with cancer, personal addictions, personal shortcomings - but each of those events built a little piece of me. The experiences themselves were really a way to get to the end goal, disguised in disappointment, despair, and pain. As I experienced difficulty, my soul was shaped a little more like it needs to be to find and understand happiness. With each trial, both the journey and the closure gave new sight to my vision. If I had not experienced these things, I would not know how precious the good stuff is.

Today, my life is so joy-filled that I wonder sometimes when the next trial is coming. I'm not saying I have no worries. I worry a lot about my children, their emotional and physical health, and I also worry sometimes about my business and whether it will generate enough income to support my share of the family expenses. Yet in the midst of stressers such as these, nothing I encounter today is as bad as what I've already been through. Further, I know that if some huge catastrophe came along tomorrow, I will make it through, and I will find another piece of meaning in my life.

The first step to achieving whatever it is you want in life is to start where you are. Whatever life has dealt you thus far is in the past. Whatever life is about to toss your way is in the future. The only time that we have control over is this moment.

Begin where you are, remember where you've been, move towards where you want to be. And grow.

I have a syndrome

I was fascinated today when I opened an email in my personal account. It was advertising a webinar, but as I read the words, I started to wonder if someone was playing a joke on me. The webinar being advertised in the email talked about a syndrome I had never heard of, but the symptoms sounded very familiar.

The webinar is about Impostor Syndrome, and as I read what it was, it answered a lot of lifelong questions for me. Impostor Syndrome is basically an irrational belief that nothing one accomplishes is because of their own effort or expertise, but more likely because of luck or being able to "fool" their way through.

A few months ago, in response to a writing challenge, I wrote a post entitled The imposter. I have always felt like this, and the possibility that this is because of a syndrome is incredible. I am interested in it because of my own feelings, but also as a Gender Equity Trainer, I am wondering how closely tied to Attribution Theory this syndrome might be (note to self: do some research on this).

I researched a little and found an informative article from Forbes that describes the syndrome entitled Feeling Like a Fraud: Living With Impostor Syndrome. After reading it, I realized that I have let these feelings hold me back for a long time. I have resisted opportunities that have been placed before me for fear that someone will finally figure me out.

I'm not sure what to do with this information, but I have always believed that fully understanding a problem is the first step to solving it. This news actually has me feeling more hopeful than I have in a long time.

Feeling better already

Last night, I did my second round of leg workout at the gym and this morning, Nathan and I did our first morning aerobic workout which focused on - guess what? Legs! I'm sore, yes, but I also noticed throughout the day that I was already feeling like my legs are toning up! I have a very long way to go, but walking through the school today with a feeling like I was closer to being the athlete I used to be and farther away from the couch potato I had become was awesome . . . and motivating!

I'm also very, very happy about Nathan joining me in the mornings for the workout. It is very early in the morning (5:30 a.m.) and he's just a kid, but he woke up, got dressed, and worked up a sweat, all the same!

I'm feeling very positive about this resolution. I find myself making different kinds of choices all day long, whether the choice is about food, how I am going to spend my time, when will I get exercise. I can tell I'm making better choices in every aspect and because of that, I don't even care whether this all results in weight loss or anything else - I'm already receiving a huge benefit - feeling good about myself!

Legs, legs, legs!

Had a pretty good day today. I didn't journal my eating, but I think I did fairly well. Spent a good amount of time at the gym today doing a leg workout. My legs are really floppy now, so I know I pushed my limits well!

One great thing coming from going to the gym regularly is that more of the family are going, too. Three of the kids joined David and I. I have to say, Nathan is turning out to be quite the gym rat - he's doing great!

Tonight, we went to Target and purchased some workout videos, since I couldn't ever find mine. This means that tomorrow at O dark thirty, I'll be burning calories!