After the fact bucket list

On Monday, I did something I never thought I would do. It wasn't something that was even ever on a list of things I wish I had done. I did a stand-up routine at a local theater.

Now that I've done my first stand-up comedy, I am adding it to my bucket list (so that I can check it off!). There are some things I learned.

1. Not every audience is going to connect with the material you have. A seasoned comic can change their path, but one that is doing this for the first time has to keep on trudging through.

2. Stand up comedy is super vulnerable. You walk up to that mic and you are putting all your faith in that your audience will connect with what you are saying and find it funny. This is the most courageous thing I have ever done in my life.

3. I also realized that I have some funny things to say, but I don't know if I have enough to do stand up comedy. I'm thinking I could MC, where I have to say one or two funny things as I'm introducing the next act. However, because of the second sentence in number 1, I do think I could move into stand-up if I had enough material.

4. An act of courage can be inspiring to others. I have received several emails and messages from people who have felt empowered by my courage to get up there and try stand-up. We'll see whether all of these people actually do the things they say they feel empowered to do.

All in all, I'm very happy that I found my courage to do this. Let me tell you, it really took a lot - my introverted self would normally have backed out of this, but I purposefully told people I was doing this so that I couldn't back out.

My message in all of this? Don't let your own personal fears keep you from giving your dreams a try. The worst case scenario is that you completely bomb and nobody remembers you.

Low Carb High Protein Chicken Cordon Bleu Casserole

I've been working on converting family favorite meals to be more friendly to my choice to maintain a high protein, low carb diet. Chicken Cordon Bleu Casserole has been a big hit with my family every time I make it. It combines very flavorful, yet distinct foods and is definitely a comfort food staple.

The main things I changed were to use crushed pork rinds (I like the Bakenets brand for this) instead of crushed crackers for the topping and boneless, skinless chicken thighs instead of chicken breasts. As a result, this recipe is very low carb and very high protein, but still has all the great taste. I would even say the crust is tastier when made from pork rinds.







Here's my recipe:

8 boneless, skinless chicken thighs
1 lb. sliced deli ham
8 oz. swiss cheese
3 oz. pork rinds
1/4 cup grated parmesan cheese
1 jar four cheese alfredo sauce
1/2 T. dijon mustard
1 tsp. Worcestershire sauce
Cooking spray (original)
Cooking spray (butter)

Before Assembly:

1. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees.
2. Flatten the chicken thighs with a meat tenderizer
3. Shred the swiss cheese
4. Crush the pork rinds.
5. In a small bowl, combine the grated parmesan with the pork rinds.

Preparation:

1. Spray a 9x13 baking dish with the original cooking spray.
2. Layer the chicken thighs in the bottom of the dish.
3. Cover the chicken thighs with ham slices. You may end up with enough for a double layer and that is okay.
4. Cover the ham with shredded swiss cheese.
5. Cover the swiss cheese with the pork rind/parmesan cheese mixture.
6. Spray the topping with butter cooking spray.
7. Place in preheated oven for 30-35 minutes until juice runs clear and crust is browned.

Angst

There has been something about having a 5 at the start of my age that has sent me into a perpetual state of reflection, anticipation, and pondering. The result of all of this is a deep understanding of, and perhaps even welcoming of, the condition of angst.

Human beings, as far as we know, are the only living creatures who ponder their own death before it happens. Yay, humans!

I always knew, of course, that I would die someday, but the angst is recent. I can't say that the pondering is entirely recent. You may recall that I previously confessed in a blog post to contemplating suicide as a teenager, but this pondering that is linked with a complete understanding of the complete and utter erasure of my being is certainly recent.

In a conversation with my son, Tony, one day, we talked about a church member and mother of one of his friends who was battling cancer and had very little time left in this world. We contemplated how we might feel if we were faced with this certain end. He said something that was so profound to me that it was possibly the catalyst for my angst. He said,

"I'm not afraid of dying, I'm afraid of not being here."

Now that, my friends, is exactly where I'm at. I've never been afraid of dying. My dark teenage thoughts were encouraged to linger because of that. My family raised us in an atmosphere of open discussion about the realities of death. We contemplated it whenever a relative would die. We all thought we were so enlightened because we were not afraid. I truly wasn't afraid of death, I was more often afraid of the process of dying - how hard would it be, would it be painful, etc.

Once Tony voiced the more terrifying state - of not being here - I haven't been able to shake it. I sit in my house now, typing this, and looking around at the life that I have and how precious it is, and how beautiful my children and grandchild are, and all that I have to look forward to and then it rushes at me. The angst. The sheer meaningless reality of human existence.

I photograph headstones as a volunteer for Find A Grave and sometimes when I'm standing over that stone, I try to imagine the person interred there. What did they sound like? What was their favorite thing to do? What foods did they hate? The stone doesn't tell me. The dates tell me whether there is likely to be anyone alive still who could know, but in the end, enough time will pass for all of us that nobody will still be around who really remembers us.

Ecclesiastes 1:2 (NIV)

Angst.

The writer of Ecclesiastes had it. We don't even know for sure who he was. Even if we do think we know who he was, we don't know what he sounded like. We don't know what his favorite thing to do was. We don't know what foods he hated.

Angst.

It can either paralyze you or empower you. When we are truly aware of the limited days we have, we can become depressed and fearful or we can feel a drive toward making our lives count for something.

I'm choosing the latter. While I can get teary-eyed when I'm filled with angst like I am today, the condition itself calls for action. I begin making plans. I start thinking about goals. I cheer myself toward making a difference in the world (and by world I generally mean my corner of it).

And I write.

Because, that is one thing that could tell somebody 200 years from now who I was, what I found to be most important . . .

and maybe even what foods I hated.

Memories: Re-Imagining the Rain

A very large part of the person I am today originated in the year 2002. In January, my baby who was just over a year old, was diagnosed with cancer. I had separated from my husband a few months before, I was unemployed and attending university, and I had two other children at home, ages 5 and 3.

Through that year, I encountered more challenges than I ever had before, or ever have since. Struggling through the end of an 18-year marriage, dealing with the realities of poverty and single parenting, and existing as a person whose child was battling a life-threatening illness was daunting and difficult. If I ever say anything that makes it sound like it was easy, I'm covering for you so that you don't have to feel bad about it. It was hard. Add to that an ex-husband who didn't help, a church family who deserted me eventually for whatever reason (I'm told that my ex was telling them stories that made them not want to be there for me), and my own father dealing with a heart attack and subsequent bypass surgery, which left my own family barely able to be present for me, and you have the very definition of hardship.

The good thing about hardship, though, is that when we endure it, when we focus on positives, set goals, and pull ourselves out of it, we have embedded a certain trait into our psyche - one that will define how we approach every single challenge from then on. This little thing is called grit.

At the time, though, grit was the last thing on my mind. Often, I would come home at night from school or the hospital feeling alone. Many times, while my children slept in their beds, I searched, begged and pleaded for strength. Sometimes this was in silent prayer, but often it was in the form of song.

Music is a big part of my life. I mentioned another song in the blog post "Amazing Grace" which has profound meaning to me, and for sure, that song was sung often while I rocked my son to sleep in those hospital rooms. However, when I was at home in those moments when I was barely hanging on, there were two songs that I would sometimes play over and over, singing as loudly as I could without waking up the children. After two or three repeats, I would move from my deepest desperation into a complete sense of empowerment.

The songs were "I Can Only Imagine" by Mercy Me and "Bring on the Rain" by Jo Dee Messina. The combination of these songs reminded me of the two powers I have within myself to encounter and defeat any difficulty that comes my way.

"Bring on the Rain" reminded me that my life was going to be experienced in the way I chose to experience it. Whether I decided to focus on the negatives and have a negative life or whether I chose to embrace the positives and know that negatives are just another part of the whole adventure, was entirely up to me.

"I Can Only Imagine" invoked a power beyond myself. The power that God provides and which always has been and always will be there for me. The power that has overcome the world. My God has my back. He always has and always will. Sometimes outcomes are not what I want them to be, but I can always know that whatever those outcomes are, God will have my back. He had it in 2002 and revealed himself to me in so many minute and infinite ways.

Still today, the sound of those songs brings back memories, tears, and a renewed sense of empowerment. They are a reminder that rain can be seen as a storm or as a giver of life.

The choice is yours.

Best of both worlds

I have always loved pie. My favorite is strawberry rhubarb, or cherry, or pecan, or pumpkin, or chocolate, or .... You get the idea.

Last year, I found a recipe that helps me not have to decide which pie to eat - it combines pumpkin and pecan (and chocolate if you add chocolate chips). I made it last year and loved it so I'm making it a tradition. This year, I decided to make it pretty.

Yum!

Check out the recipe here

A wish come true

I always wonder about celebrities and the differences between their public persona and reality. I had the opportunity to find out for myself over Easter weekend when my family traveled to New York City.

To explain, let me share a bit of our story. In 2002, our youngest son, Nathan Griffin, was diagnosed with alveolar rhabdomyosarcoma. This is a very aggressive and very rare soft tissue cancer. Nathan had just turned a year old when we was diagnosed. He spent the second year of his life in and out of hospitals, fighting for his life through surgeries, chemotherapy, and radiation.

Over the last 14 ½ years, he has undergone additional surgeries and dealt with the side effects of so much therapy at such a young age. Last year, I was called by the mother of a boy who we met all those years ago and she told us that she had nominated Nathan for a wish through Make-A-Wish. Make-A-Wish is an organization that grants wishes to children who are battling or are battling a life threatening illness. Nathan could not get a wish when he was going through chemotherapy because of his age, but he did qualify last year as a survivor.

Nathan’s wish was to meet the cast of Saturday Night Live. He had to be 16 before SNL would allow him to attend a show, so we waited and were so excited when our wish granter, Dennis Baird, called us and said our trip had been scheduled for April, 2017.

Over Easter weekend, Nathan, along with David, myself, and two of our other children, Rene and Tony, were flown to New York City to see a live taping of SNL. We felt so special when the limo pulled up to take us to the studio. After the show, we got a backstage tour and then almost the entire cast came out to give Nathan hugs, talk about theater (he is a big-time theater kid!), and sign the cue card from the cold open that says “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”. We were all amazed and a bit in shock. Next, one of the producers told us there was one more person who wanted to meet Nathan. Nathan’s biggest dream came true when Jimmy Fallon (who hosted the show) came out of his dressing room, along with Harry Styles (the musical guest). All of the celebrities who visited with Nathan were so down-to-earth, friendly, and truly interested in him. Jimmy spent a long time with Nathan, teaching him his signature moves and learning Nathan’s from him.

It was a magical evening as part of a beautiful weekend that was all planned and paid for by generous folks who donate their time and money to Make-A-Wish. The organization does wonderful things for children who have had to deal with so much more in their young lives than they ever should have. We are forever changed by the experience.

If you are looking for a way to make a difference in the life of a child, consider donating your time and/or money to Make-a-Wish!

It's a soup night!

David and I have been trying to lower the number of carbs we eat and we have discovered some very tasty dishes! Lately, the Dallas weather has actually been just chilly enough that we have used the excuse to make soup at least one night each week. Tonight, we made a fish chowder that was super good!

One of my favorite things about this chowder is that, like most chowders, you can really drop whatever you feel like into it. I'll post the recipe I used for tonight's chowder, but feel free to mix it up with different kinds of seafood or other veggies!

I usually use tilapia or cod in this but tonight I didn't have any, so I used imitation crab instead (which is usually pollock or some other kind of whitefish, so it worked). If you are trying to keep processed foods out of your lineup, you probably won't choose that route!

I used flour to thicken the soup, but I think I would change that next time around. The net carbs on this dish is 16, which isn't too bad, but I think I could have gotten it lower. Also, if you are looking for lower calories, you could double the evaporated milk instead of using the heavy cream.

Here is the recipe for tonight's soup - enjoy and let me know how yours goes!

Fish Chowder

320 calories per serving, 8 servings
16 net carbs

Ingredients:

2 T. butter

1 large onion, diced

1 celery stalk, diced

4 medium white mushrooms, chopped

4 cups fat-free chicken broth

8 oz. imitation crab meat (or white fish)

12 oz. cooked salad shrimp (or other seafood)

6.5 oz. can chopped clams

1/4 tsp. Old Bay TM seasoning

Salt and pepper to taste

1 can evaporated milk

12 oz. heavy cream

1 large head cauliflower, diced and steamed (if you want this in a hurry)

8 oz. clam juice

1/2 cup flour

2 oz. bacon pieces (optional)

Steps:

1. Melt butter in stock pot. Add diced onions, celery, and mushrooms and saute until soft.
2. Add chicken broth. Heat on medium for 2 minutes.
3. Add seafood and seasonings. Stir. Simmer for 10 minutes.
4. Add milk, heavy cream, and cauliflower. Stir. Simmer for another 10 minutes.
5. Combine clam juice and flour in shaker. Pour into stockpot and stir.
6. Heat until thickened and hot throughout.

Enjoy!

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