Traveling through Day 4

You might notice there isn't a Day 3 post. That is because the prompt for Day 3 asked us to think about it for 48 hours, so you'll see two posts tomorrow.

Here is the prompt for today:

If we live truly, we shall see truly. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Not everyone wants to travel the world, but most people can identify at least one place in the world they’d like to visit before they die. Where is that place for you, and what will you do to make sure you get there?

(Author: Chris Guillebeau)

As a science teacher and graduate with a Biology degree, the voyage of Charles Darwin on the HMS Beagle are fascinating to me. I have always wanted to visit the Galapagos Islands and see the remarkable creatures that Darwin saw. The islands are so unique in the variety of species who exist only in the Galapagos. I believe that is the one place I would really like to visit before I die.

What will I do to make sure I get there? As with most things I do in my life with regards to travel, I don't make a lot of well-thought plans. I have faith that an opportunity will present itself and I will make sure to take advantage of that opportunity.

Sound like a lack of a plan? It is. Isn't life better when we don't plan every detail?

The imposter

It is easy in the world to live after the world’s opinion; it is easy in solitude to live after our own; but the great man is he who in the midst of the crowd keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude. - Ralph Waldo Emerson, Self-Reliance

The world is powered by passionate people, powerful ideas, and fearless action. What’s one strong belief you possess that isn’t shared by your closest friends or family? What inspires this belief, and what have you done to actively live it?

(Author: Buster Benson)

Today's prompt was a little difficult for me. On the one hand, I really believe I have surrounded myself with like-minded people. Even when one of my family members disagrees with me, it is not about a fundamental, strongly held belief.

On the other hand, I strongly believe in the purpose of this writing challenge. I read the prompt many times, thinking that the prompt was meant to force us to really think - to be honest with ourselves.

As a result, I find that I have to be honest with you, so here goes:

Yes, I surround myself with people who have the same fundamental religious beliefs as I do, or at least believe in the same God. Yes, I tend to friend those who have similar philosophies to mine about life, about education, about living.

And here is the honesty - yes, I hold beliefs that are seemingly not shared by those closest to me. Here they are:

I believe that I am not a very good mother. I think that I have stumbled through the role and accidentally created five superb young people.

I believe that I pose as an educator. The entire time I was in a classroom for my day job, I came home feeling like an imposter. Those days when the students or other faculty were especially kind to me in expressing what they believed to be true about me were the days I felt the most like a plastic version of the teacher I thought I ought to be.

I believe that I lucked into having such a great husband. I believe I do not deserve him, and I think every day that it is only a matter of time before he figures this out.

I believe that my life being in a state of goodness is not because of anything I have done, it is in spite of it.

I do purposefully live the realities of these beliefs. I don't take compliments well - I find reasons why I'm not responsible for the good things people say. I look at myself in the mirror and see a disappointing version of who I wish I really was. The spirit of the prompt today was to give us a chance to think about our convictions and how we live up to them, but instead it has caused me to realize how limiting these beliefs have been for me over the years.

I will work toward changing my beliefs, or at least forgive myself for them. I've often said that if I had to describe my life in one word, it would be "lonely." It is the "independence of solitude" I have built for myself over the years that makes me feel that way. I have people surrounding me who love me, support me, believe in me - I must try to believe, as well.

Describing Today

Today's prompt in the #trust30 challenge is this:

If ‘the voyage of the best ship is a zigzag line of a hundred tacks,’ then it is more genuine to be present today than to recount yesterdays. How would you describe today using only one sentence? Tell today’s sentence to one other person. Repeat each day.

(Author: Liz Danzico)

My first thought was to say something about today being the first day of my journey, and I even took a picture of my coffee cup to illustrate my belief in this philosophy (and have gone ahead and attached it here).

After thinking that seemed too cliche for this challenge, I came up with the sentence that I think really describes today, whether you are in this challenge or not:

"Today is a blessing because I had only 15 minutes to live yesterday."

I think that encompasses both my belief in the journey and my firm knowledge that every single moment is borrowed.

30 Day Writing Challenge

I came across a writing challenge today and it happened to be the first day of the challenge, so I decided to commit to it. You can see that I don't post to this blog often and the last time I did, I was also promising to regularly post following prompts.

I hope this time will be different. Following is my response to today's prompt in the #trust30 challenge.

Prompt: You just discovered you have fifteen minutes to live.

1. Set a timer for fifteen minutes.
2. Write the story that has to be written.
******************************************************

I've written many stories in my life and have decided this last needs to be a letter, rather than a story.

Having lived my life in recent years attempting to do each day as though it were my last, I find that in these last fifteen minutes, I have few regrets. One is that I didn’t keep in touch with my friends and that I do not have time to do so now.

To all those friends: I think about you all the time even though I don’t let you know. You made a difference in my life. I am happy with who I am today and part of who I am is you. Thank you for being a part of me.

Another, larger regret is that I won’t see four of my children graduate from high school or any of my children have families of their own. I won’t know my grandchildren and I, to them, will be just a name, a few photographs, and poorly remembered stories.

To my children: I hope that you are able to remember the important things I’ve taught you – be true to yourself; do what makes you happy, not what pays the most; try those things that seem too hard so that you won’t have to regret not having tried later and you just might discover something you love; strive towards following a journey with God – if you don’t succeed all the time, He understands; it is never too late to go back to school and become who you dream of being; choose carefully what you decide to stress about.

I also hope that you are able to forget or forgive the things I wish you never knew.

To my husband: You have made me complete and given me happiness that I never really believed I deserved. Your love for me has been so obvious and so unconditional that I have thanked God every day for giving me you.

To my future grandchildren: I have loved you even though I haven’t seen you. My biggest hope is that your parents are better parents than I was and that you find yourself leading a life that makes you happy and serves God above all else.

To the random reader: I am a storyteller, and if I had been given more than 15 minutes, I could have written volumes. Live your life as if you have only 15 minutes. Get to the point. Don’t waste time.

Week One: Be Happy

I know I'm slightly late getting this one out, but I wanted to do it justice. The first step in the video, which was easy to miss, was "Be Happy". It was easy to miss because it was on the first frame - a piece of tape with the words written on it.

Things I thought about during the week:

1. Odd that "Be Happy" would be the first item on the list. While it is, indeed, probably the most important thing on the list, it seems like it would have been saved for last . . .

2. "Be Happy" implies that being happy is a state of being. I pondered this one through the week.

After spending the time during the week focusing on being happy, I experienced many things - disappointment, failure, disillusionment, and fatigue. Through all of these things, though, I could always be happy. I think sometimes this is because of the trials I have faced through the years, the ones that almost killed me, and the ones I had to "fake it til I made it" through. Being happy is something I have a lot of practice with. During times that made me much less than happy in my life, I was always good at acting happy. Isn't that close to being happy?

As a result of the week of reflecting, I've come to realize that in this stage of my life, being happy means I am happy. My life has its fair share of unhappy moments, but when I take stock in my life, I truly have found happiness. I love my family, I love my husband, I love my job, and I'm proud of the person I have become. I choose happiness.

Next week: "Show Up."

Refocusing on what is real

Someone on my Facebook friends list posted a video that I really liked. As I watched it, I realized two things:

1. I have already done all of those things many times.
2. I need to focus on doing them more.

As a result, I've decided to do a series of blog posts, where I take one of the directives in the video and focus on it for a week, then write about my experiences in doing so.

Join me if you'd like - write your own blog, or simply comment to my posts each week. Stay tuned, and tune in to the video by clicking HERE.

Clicking my heels . . .

House where I grew up
Originally uploaded by laner65

I've had to travel to Kansas unexpectedly to attend the funeral of a family member. This is the first time I've been back home since my mom moved away. I no longer have family in this town, so spending a few days here is a little strange for me. I decided today to take a little drive around my old stomping grounds.

Driving around, I saw the church my girl scout meetings were in, my elementary school (hasn't changed), my high school (changed a bunch), the house I grew up in (pictured here), the house I lived in when I moved out, and the house I lived in as a newly married person. Driving through the streets, I felt like a stranger, even though the streets themselves looked familiar and many of the sights I saw are just as I remember them - I don't belong here.

My home now is Texas. I can drive through these streets and find it recognizable, but it is almost as if I'm taking a virtual tour through a camera - I feel no connection, no need to reminisce, no feelings of wistfulness for a day gone by.

The Kansas has been taken out of the girl.