Laner's Blog

I have a syndrome

2012-01-06T18:17:00.001-08:00

I was fascinated today when I opened an email in my personal account. It was advertising a webinar, but as I read the words, I started to wonder if someone was playing a joke on me. The webinar being advertised in the email talked about a syndrome I had never heard of, but the symptoms sounded very familiar.

The webinar is about Impostor Syndrome, and as I read what it was, it answered a lot of lifelong questions for me. Impostor Syndrome is basically an irrational belief that nothing one accomplishes is because of their own effort or expertise, but more likely because of luck or being able to "fool" their way through.

A few months ago, in response to a writing challenge, I wrote a post entitled The imposter. I have always felt like this, and the possibility that this is because of a syndrome is incredible. I am interested in it because of my own feelings, but also as a Gender Equity Trainer, I am wondering how closely tied to Attribution Theory this syndrome might be (note to self: do some research on this).

I researched a little and found an informative article from Forbes that describes the syndrome entitled Feeling Like a Fraud: Living With Impostor Syndrome. After reading it, I realized that I have let these feelings hold me back for a long time. I have resisted opportunities that have been placed before me for fear that someone will finally figure me out.

I'm not sure what to do with this information, but I have always believed that fully understanding a problem is the first step to solving it. This news actually has me feeling more hopeful than I have in a long time.

Feeling better already

2012-01-05T17:45:00.000-08:00

Last night, I did my second round of leg workout at the gym and this morning, Nathan and I did our first morning aerobic workout which focused on - guess what? Legs! I'm sore, yes, but I also noticed throughout the day that I was already feeling like my legs are toning up! I have a very long way to go, but walking through the school today with a feeling like I was closer to being the athlete I used to be and farther away from the couch potato I had become was awesome . . . and motivating!

I'm also very, very happy about Nathan joining me in the mornings for the workout. It is very early in the morning (5:30 a.m.) and he's just a kid, but he woke up, got dressed, and worked up a sweat, all the same!

I'm feeling very positive about this resolution. I find myself making different kinds of choices all day long, whether the choice is about food, how I am going to spend my time, when will I get exercise. I can tell I'm making better choices in every aspect and because of that, I don't even care whether this all results in weight loss or anything else - I'm already receiving a huge benefit - feeling good about myself!

Legs, legs, legs!

2012-01-04T18:37:00.000-08:00

Had a pretty good day today. I didn't journal my eating, but I think I did fairly well. Spent a good amount of time at the gym today doing a leg workout. My legs are really floppy now, so I know I pushed my limits well!

One great thing coming from going to the gym regularly is that more of the family are going, too. Three of the kids joined David and I. I have to say, Nathan is turning out to be quite the gym rat - he's doing great!

Tonight, we went to Target and purchased some workout videos, since I couldn't ever find mine. This means that tomorrow at O dark thirty, I'll be burning calories!

First day back to school

2012-01-03T17:39:00.000-08:00

I have been a little worried about heading back to school. Over the break, I was really good about going to the gym and making time for the family. I know once I get back into the swing of things, my old habits are likely to sneak back in.

My day started off going nothing like I had planned. I intended to do a 30 minute everyday low-impact aerobic workout. I dutifully woke up at 5:30 a.m., donned my workout attire, and headed to the living room to get started. Unfortunately, I could not find the videos and when I tried to find a suitable alternative on the 100s of television channels we get, I couldn't find anything. I ended up doing some light calisthenics and proceeding on with my morning preparations.

The good thing about the morning was that I did do a better job of budgeting my time. I had gotten into a bad habit of waking up in the morning and spending a half hour or so on the computer. My deal with myself was that if I did everything else first - workout, shower, get dressed, eat a healthy breakfast - if I had any time left over, I could sit down at the computer. Flipping everything around did wonders - I was able to get ready AND spend some time on the computer. Double bonus - I didn't have to grab an unhealthy breakfast on the way out of town because I had already eaten the healthy one I had planned the night before.

I was super busy at work, which probably is a good thing - lots of walking through the big school. After lunch, I got a call and learned that I was one of three finalists for a state award I had been nominated for. What a great way to start the new year!!!

A late meeting after school meant I was in danger of losing my focus for dinner, but my wonderful husband was already making the meal we had planned by the time I got home. I did probably snack a little more after school than I should have, but I kept it all fairly healthy.

All in all, I'm not going to kick myself for today. I did much better than I really thought I would this first day back and I'm very optimistic about doing even better tomorrow.

Now that 2012 is here . . .

2012-01-02T19:11:00.000-08:00

Every year, I, like many others, come up with my resolution for the year. I usually don't feel very confident that I'll be able to keep the resolution, but this year, I feel very committed to mine.

I resolve to live every day like the precious blessing it is.

I decided to make a major life change in part because of something tragic that happened a few weeks ago. Megan Baab, a 19-year-old who had grown up in my church, and who I cannot remember ever seeing without a huge smile on her face and loving life, was killed when the bicycle she was riding was struck head-on by another 19-year-old who fell asleep at the wheel on his way home from college for the holidays.

This tragedy affected everyone who had ever met Megan, and several who never knew about her until her death. An avid bicyclist, we all believed that we would see Megan's name become well known in the national cycling community. Over 300 people showed up for a memorial ride the weekend after her death - among them my husband.

It was the day of the ride that my resolution came to me. The only thing that had kept me from joining my husband on that ride was that I am so out of shape. Just a few years ago, I had spent my 40th birthday happily peddling up and down the hills of eastern Kansas after having spent the previous week bicycling from the Colorado border across the state. What had happened to me that I couldn't even go on a 25 mile ride to honor this huge loss?

That day, I realized that Megan was given 19 precious years on this Earth and she had lived each day as fully as she could. She died doing the one thing she loved most. If I have already been given another 27 years more than Megan, then why am I throwing it away by getting out of shape, gaining weight, and not having time for my family?

I'm firmly committed to making sure that make 2012 the best, one day at a time. Exercising, eating right, taking time to read, taking time to spend quality time with my family, taking time to enjoy being silly - so that each day becomes a tribute and a day of thanksgiving for the blessings I am given.

A heart story

2011-08-04T07:17:00.001-07:00

One of my good friends posted a link to a blog post this morning entitled "Heart" by Sharon Stevens. I read it (you can read it here) and was reminded of a short piece I wrote two years ago entitled Perceptions. I thought I'd share it here. It is one of my most beloved memories.
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Perceptions

“Here, mama” the little five-year-old hand unfurled to reveal a shiny silver heart. It was the pendant from a long-lost chain that my treasure-hunting daughter had happily found one day as she played outside. The heart had been carefully stored in a treasure box for months, and I wondered why she was showing it to me now.

I looked at her, a little confused. “Mama, here!” She said with determination as she slapped my hand, leaving the prized heart laying on my open palm.

“Why are you giving me this?” I asked.

“Because now, everywhere you go, you’ll have my heart,” came the most precious reply.

My daughter had thought long and hard that day about what she could give me. The reason for this gift was because I spent a lot of time away from her and her 3-year-old brother. This was because her youngest brother, who was only 15 months old, had cancer. I spent weeks at a time in the hospital with him while he was undergoing what would turn out to be 11 months of chemotherapy and radiation therapy. I was a single mom. There was no option but to leave my daughter and son with relatives during those times.

She wanted to give me something so that I would know she was with me, even if I couldn’t see her. She gave me her heart.

Now, nine years later, as I transfer change and money from an old wallet to a new one, I catch a glimpse of a shiny silver heart in the change compartment. I am reminded, as I am every time I open that compartment, that I have my daughter’s heart.

I talked to her one day about this, and she didn’t remember giving me the gift. A gift that had such impact on me, and continues to mean so much to me never made it into the permanent files of her brain.

We must always be aware that our actions can be perceived by others in a different light than we see it. Small gestures that we may think trivial and are not registered in our permanent memory may be one of the most important moments in another person’s life.

Even if she doesn't remember, I'll always have her heart.

It's all precious

2011-06-24T14:11:00.000-07:00

I posted this as a note on my Facebook page awhile ago. Recently, I've been trying to do more blogging, so I decided to post it here, as well. These pieces of thought will become a part of the book I'm writing this summer.
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While cleaning today, I came across a little journal I used to keep in my purse when Nathan was sick. It has several pages in it that have my scribblings as things would come to me. Some of them are quotes that I used to read over and over for strength. Others are short observations I'd make. I thought I'd type those here - they seem to give one a sense of how that year formed the philosophies I live by today. Take from them what you wish.

1

The first one was written as I sat in the pediatric oncology wing at St. Francis Hospital in Wichita. The wing was originally built as birthing suites, then was converted to oncology when a new birthing wing was built.

This room, these rooms, once where infants breathed their first breath, have become where children breathe their last.

Once a place of great joy, now one with a potential for profound sadness, yet also a possibility of grand triumph.

Nathan's life has become so unreal, the fact that his is a rare form of cancer doesn't seem so odd.

2

This one was written while waiting in the doctor's office for a scheduled chemotherapy treatment.

Parents in Dr. Rosen's office -

There is a "look" parent of kids with cancer give each other. "I know", it says, "me too."

There is a look I find myself giving parents of healthy kids, "LIVE, LOVE! It's precious!" mine says.

3

Another entry from a hospital room . . .

Sitting in this hospital room, losing days of my own life, to sit awake at night listening to his little body shake with coughs, each breath a chore. My whimpering child, who I can do absolutely nothing for . . .

4

I gave this one a title - "Baby Steps"

Learning to line dance, the dance looks complicated at first. "I'll never be able to do that".

Start learning it just a few steps at a time. Gradually adding more difficult things. Repetition causes it to become easier. Add another step. Another.

After awhile, you are doing the entire dance and smiling at the thought that you ever considered it difficult.

Nathan was diagnosed with cancer. Piece by repetitious piece has been added. I don't know how many more pieces there are to this dance. I've never seen it in its entirety. It is unique to my son, but I know that God keeps showing me steps, over and over, until it becomes easy.

5

Some of you have heard me say the way I got through that year was because God gave me strength for the day each morning. Here is an entry that probably was the first time I ever thought of it that way.

Seems like I get just a little less "leeway" in strength. It's like each morning, God gives me just how much He thinks I need - no more, no less. I've been praying for him to give me just a little "cushion."

6

This is the last entry in the little book. I guess I must have felt victorious.

What is my worst fear? I have to come up with a new one, because I've had to face mine.

(Since I had been a girl in elementary school and read a book by Erma Bombeck "I want to grow up, I want to grow hair, I want to go to Boise", I had known my worst fear was to have a child with cancer. I still haven't gotten a new one).

Traveling through Day 4

2011-06-04T20:05:00.000-07:00

You might notice there isn't a Day 3 post. That is because the prompt for Day 3 asked us to think about it for 48 hours, so you'll see two posts tomorrow.

Here is the prompt for today:

If we live truly, we shall see truly. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Not everyone wants to travel the world, but most people can identify at least one place in the world they’d like to visit before they die. Where is that place for you, and what will you do to make sure you get there?

(Author: Chris Guillebeau)

As a science teacher and graduate with a Biology degree, the voyage of Charles Darwin on the HMS Beagle are fascinating to me. I have always wanted to visit the Galapagos Islands and see the remarkable creatures that Darwin saw. The islands are so unique in the variety of species who exist only in the Galapagos. I believe that is the one place I would really like to visit before I die.

What will I do to make sure I get there? As with most things I do in my life with regards to travel, I don't make a lot of well-thought plans. I have faith that an opportunity will present itself and I will make sure to take advantage of that opportunity.

Sound like a lack of a plan? It is. Isn't life better when we don't plan every detail?

The imposter

2011-06-02T19:09:00.000-07:00

It is easy in the world to live after the world’s opinion; it is easy in solitude to live after our own; but the great man is he who in the midst of the crowd keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude. - Ralph Waldo Emerson, Self-Reliance

The world is powered by passionate people, powerful ideas, and fearless action. What’s one strong belief you possess that isn’t shared by your closest friends or family? What inspires this belief, and what have you done to actively live it?

(Author: Buster Benson)

Today's prompt was a little difficult for me. On the one hand, I really believe I have surrounded myself with like-minded people. Even when one of my family members disagrees with me, it is not about a fundamental, strongly held belief.

On the other hand, I strongly believe in the purpose of this writing challenge. I read the prompt many times, thinking that the prompt was meant to force us to really think - to be honest with ourselves.

As a result, I find that I have to be honest with you, so here goes:

Yes, I surround myself with people who have the same fundamental religious beliefs as I do, or at least believe in the same God. Yes, I tend to friend those who have similar philosophies to mine about life, about education, about living.

And here is the honesty - yes, I hold beliefs that are seemingly not shared by those closest to me. Here they are:

I believe that I am not a very good mother. I think that I have stumbled through the role and accidentally created five superb young people.

I believe that I pose as an educator. The entire time I was in a classroom for my day job, I came home feeling like an imposter. Those days when the students or other faculty were especially kind to me in expressing what they believed to be true about me were the days I felt the most like a plastic version of the teacher I thought I ought to be.

I believe that I lucked into having such a great husband. I believe I do not deserve him, and I think every day that it is only a matter of time before he figures this out.

I believe that my life being in a state of goodness is not because of anything I have done, it is in spite of it.

I do purposefully live the realities of these beliefs. I don't take compliments well - I find reasons why I'm not responsible for the good things people say. I look at myself in the mirror and see a disappointing version of who I wish I really was. The spirit of the prompt today was to give us a chance to think about our convictions and how we live up to them, but instead it has caused me to realize how limiting these beliefs have been for me over the years.

I will work toward changing my beliefs, or at least forgive myself for them. I've often said that if I had to describe my life in one word, it would be "lonely." It is the "independence of solitude" I have built for myself over the years that makes me feel that way. I have people surrounding me who love me, support me, believe in me - I must try to believe, as well.

Describing Today

2011-06-01T14:10:00.000-07:00

Today's prompt in the #trust30 challenge is this:

If ‘the voyage of the best ship is a zigzag line of a hundred tacks,’ then it is more genuine to be present today than to recount yesterdays. How would you describe today using only one sentence? Tell today’s sentence to one other person. Repeat each day.

(Author: Liz Danzico)

My first thought was to say something about today being the first day of my journey, and I even took a picture of my coffee cup to illustrate my belief in this philosophy (and have gone ahead and attached it here).

After thinking that seemed too cliche for this challenge, I came up with the sentence that I think really describes today, whether you are in this challenge or not:

"Today is a blessing because I had only 15 minutes to live yesterday."

I think that encompasses both my belief in the journey and my firm knowledge that every single moment is borrowed.

30 Day Writing Challenge

2011-05-31T14:11:00.000-07:00

I came across a writing challenge today and it happened to be the first day of the challenge, so I decided to commit to it. You can see that I don't post to this blog often and the last time I did, I was also promising to regularly post following prompts.

I hope this time will be different. Following is my response to today's prompt in the #trust30 challenge.

Prompt: You just discovered you have fifteen minutes to live.

1. Set a timer for fifteen minutes.
2. Write the story that has to be written.
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I've written many stories in my life and have decided this last needs to be a letter, rather than a story.

Having lived my life in recent years attempting to do each day as though it were my last, I find that in these last fifteen minutes, I have few regrets. One is that I didn’t keep in touch with my friends and that I do not have time to do so now.

To all those friends: I think about you all the time even though I don’t let you know. You made a difference in my life. I am happy with who I am today and part of who I am is you. Thank you for being a part of me.

Another, larger regret is that I won’t see four of my children graduate from high school or any of my children have families of their own. I won’t know my grandchildren and I, to them, will be just a name, a few photographs, and poorly remembered stories.

To my children: I hope that you are able to remember the important things I’ve taught you – be true to yourself; do what makes you happy, not what pays the most; try those things that seem too hard so that you won’t have to regret not having tried later and you just might discover something you love; strive towards following a journey with God – if you don’t succeed all the time, He understands; it is never too late to go back to school and become who you dream of being; choose carefully what you decide to stress about.

I also hope that you are able to forget or forgive the things I wish you never knew.

To my husband: You have made me complete and given me happiness that I never really believed I deserved. Your love for me has been so obvious and so unconditional that I have thanked God every day for giving me you.

To my future grandchildren: I have loved you even though I haven’t seen you. My biggest hope is that your parents are better parents than I was and that you find yourself leading a life that makes you happy and serves God above all else.

To the random reader: I am a storyteller, and if I had been given more than 15 minutes, I could have written volumes. Live your life as if you have only 15 minutes. Get to the point. Don’t waste time.

Week One: Be Happy

2010-09-10T19:14:00.001-07:00

I know I'm slightly late getting this one out, but I wanted to do it justice. The first step in the video, which was easy to miss, was "Be Happy". It was easy to miss because it was on the first frame - a piece of tape with the words written on it.

Things I thought about during the week:

1. Odd that "Be Happy" would be the first item on the list. While it is, indeed, probably the most important thing on the list, it seems like it would have been saved for last . . .

2. "Be Happy" implies that being happy is a state of being. I pondered this one through the week.

After spending the time during the week focusing on being happy, I experienced many things - disappointment, failure, disillusionment, and fatigue. Through all of these things, though, I could always be happy. I think sometimes this is because of the trials I have faced through the years, the ones that almost killed me, and the ones I had to "fake it til I made it" through. Being happy is something I have a lot of practice with. During times that made me much less than happy in my life, I was always good at acting happy. Isn't that close to being happy?

As a result of the week of reflecting, I've come to realize that in this stage of my life, being happy means I am happy. My life has its fair share of unhappy moments, but when I take stock in my life, I truly have found happiness. I love my family, I love my husband, I love my job, and I'm proud of the person I have become. I choose happiness.

Next week: "Show Up."

Refocusing on what is real

2010-08-30T19:02:00.000-07:00

Someone on my Facebook friends list posted a video that I really liked. As I watched it, I realized two things:

1. I have already done all of those things many times.
2. I need to focus on doing them more.

As a result, I've decided to do a series of blog posts, where I take one of the directives in the video and focus on it for a week, then write about my experiences in doing so.

Join me if you'd like - write your own blog, or simply comment to my posts each week. Stay tuned, and tune in to the video by clicking HERE.

Clicking my heels . . .

2010-07-14T13:51:00.001-07:00

House where I grew up
Originally uploaded by laner65

I've had to travel to Kansas unexpectedly to attend the funeral of a family member. This is the first time I've been back home since my mom moved away. I no longer have family in this town, so spending a few days here is a little strange for me. I decided today to take a little drive around my old stomping grounds.

Driving around, I saw the church my girl scout meetings were in, my elementary school (hasn't changed), my high school (changed a bunch), the house I grew up in (pictured here), the house I lived in when I moved out, and the house I lived in as a newly married person. Driving through the streets, I felt like a stranger, even though the streets themselves looked familiar and many of the sights I saw are just as I remember them - I don't belong here.

My home now is Texas. I can drive through these streets and find it recognizable, but it is almost as if I'm taking a virtual tour through a camera - I feel no connection, no need to reminisce, no feelings of wistfulness for a day gone by.

The Kansas has been taken out of the girl.

If only it were that easy . . .

2010-05-20T18:12:00.001-07:00

I've been Facebooking a lot lately and one of the people on my friend list, Brad Stephens, had a very thought-provoking question on his status the other day:

Q: You are sitting in a room on the table in front of you is a red button. You have 60 seconds, push the button and a cure to cancer will be found BUT you will die. Don't push and life continues as is. Do you push the button or not and why?

I answered it quickly. Yes, I would push the button.

As I went about my day after answering that question, it troubled me. Troubled me to the point that I was actually in tears some of the time, thinking about the question and my answer. I wondered why it bothered me so much and what kept coming to my mind was "If only it were that easy."

On this day, the lives of more than 30 families were forever changed when they found out one of their children - or their only child, or their grandchild, neice, nephew - has cancer. Great strides have been made in cancer research. Even so, at least 5 of those children will die from the illness or the treatment for it. Those children who do survive may battle new issues for the rest of their lives - lost limbs, decreased immunities, complications from the chemo drugs, insurance battles. Even if there are no lasting effects, they will forever be changed by having had to fight for their lives at such a young age.

If only it were as easy as pushing a button.

I'd push the button for the children who didn't make it.

I'd push the button for the ones who are missing an arm or a leg or both.

I'd push the button for the children who can no longer see because both of their eyes had to be removed to save their lives.

I'd push the button for the children who can no longer speak because their vocal chords had to be removed.

I'd push the button for the children who develop leukemia because of the chemotherapy drugs they are given to fight rhabdomyosarcoma.

I'd push the button for the little 2-year-old girl who died from a respiratory virus two months after she finished her last chemotherapy treatment for a brain tumor that was successfully removed. The same respiratory virus that my then 14-month-old baby was in the same hospital for after his first chemotherapy treatment.

I'd push the button because my son shouldn't have one leg shorter than the other. He shouldn't have tattoos (used to mark his skin for radiation treatments). He shouldn't need a prosthesis so that he can sit on two buttocks like everyone else. I'd push it because I shouldn't have a memory like the one I described in an earlier blog post (click here).

To me, it doesn't matter how small the inconvenience is for a child who has survived cancer - he or she shouldn't have to deal with it.

I'd push the button way before the 60 seconds was up.

Two Christmas Stories

2009-12-06T20:09:00.001-08:00

Well, so much for keeping up this blog, huh? It seems as though I only write on it when inspired. Hopefully, if you are reading this, you've found what I have written to be worth your time. If not, I'm sorry, but it's all I can do :)

I was inspired to write today because of the holiday season. This holiday season has been different for me so far, because David (my husband) is out of town. He's been out of town since October and will be until close to the end of January. Going through the holiday season without a husband is not something new to me. However, going through a holiday season without a husband, when I actually have one, is. As I go through my day, feeling bad for him that he has to be totally alone through the holidays - I have the kids, so at least I'm not truly alone - I'm having a lot of difficulty.

Navigating through life with a partner is an amazing thing. Ordinary tasks, ordinary sights, ordinary experiences are experienced at so much depth when one has a partner with whom to share life. As I navigate my way through this Christmas season, I feel as though I'm a person with a shell for a body. A delicate shell that takes only one word, one hug, one knowing look to break.

Today, I tried to do some Christmas shopping. With David away, I have to make decisions about and purchases for the kids' Christmas presents. I used to get excited when David and I would walk up and down the aisles trying to find ideas. Now, I tend to focus on the fact that I'm doing this alone. Driving home is especially difficult for me because I find my thoughts straying to "as soon as I get home, I'll tell David" this, or "I wonder if David has done the dishes while I'm gone". As I turn on to our street, it hits me that he isn't home. That I can't tell him the interesting anecdote about the pickup truck I saw on the highway that was on fire, that we won't be sitting in front of the TV with a glass of wine and discussing our day with each other.

Tonight was a little different. I had spent part of my afternoon doing said Christmas shopping, which ended up cheering me up a little bit. Then I went to a committee meeting for my son's Cub Scout pack. Next, I went to a Christmas party for the Stephen Ministry at my church. When I came home, my kids were all excited. They told me there was a package on the porch when they came home from youth and they wanted me to find out what was in it and who it was from.

Let me segue here to another Christmas story . . .

This story is from the first year I was a single mom at Christmas. My ex-husband and I had an old fake Christmas tree we'd gotten from a friend that we put up every Christmas. A few years before the divorce, the basement the tree was stored in had flooded, leaving everything there covered in a thin layer of grime. He had insisted that the fake-snow-covered fake tree was still perfectly acceptable so for the first few years of our kids' lives, they knew Christmas trees to be smelly things that had brown "snow" on them. I wanted my kids to have a better tree. Spending the money on a real tree was out of the question. I was a full-time college student with no income and had to go on food stamps to keep my family fed. Buying a new fake tree was even more out-of-reach.

I was at the grocery store one day, several weeks before Christmas, but after Thanksgiving, and walking through the produce section. Tony, who was only 3 or 4 years old at the time, just had to go to the restroom, so I sent him through the double doors by the produce section to the restrooms. I waited outside the double doors for him to reappear. I waited and waited. I finally decided that I needed to go in and find out what was taking him so long. I pushed through the double doors and started walking through the "day old" and "clearance" section - that hidden secret that only the most savvy savers knew about. What greeted me there was unbelievable to me. In a shopping cart, in the middle of the clearance section, was a fake Christmas tree. Brand new. Marked $5. Complete with stand. I stood there, looking at that tree for awhile. Speechless. My eyes wide with disbelief. I inspected the tree. It was a nice tree - most likely one that had been purchased by the floral department for display purposes. Nothing wrong with it. Tony came out of the restroom and asked me what I was looking at. I told him "our new Christmas tree."

That night, as we put our tree up and decorated it together while listening to silly Christmas songs, I said a little prayer of thanks to God for the opportunities He puts before us, and I thanked him for the fact that Tony just had to go to the bathroom and that it took him so long. My little family got to spend the first Christmas of our new lives together around a brand-new Christmas tree, complete with stand.

Now, back to today . . .

I picked up the big gift bag while the kids were telling me they'd tried to find a card but were unsuccessful. I opened the bag and the sack that was inside the bag and was amazed at the gift that was within. Someone knew exactly what my kids needed this Christmas. I stood there, looking at the box -- speechless, my eyes wide with disbelief. I looked at Trevor, who was closest, and he stared back at me -- speechless, eyes wide with disbelief. As I glanced around the room, all my kids were both smiling and crying at the same time. It was just the right gift at just the right moment in the middle of a holiday season that none of us have been looking forward to, and that none of us have been enjoying. A reminder of the love that abounds in the world, and the wonderful gift that we've all been given - to love one another. A reminder of the mission we are all called to do - to give of ourselves selflessly. A reminder of the task we are all burdened with - to pay it forward.

To the mysterious gifter(s) - thank you. Not just for the gift, but for the message you've reminded all of us about. To love one another, to give with a cheerful heart, and to accept ministry from those who minister to us.

Christmas can be a season that instills dread or it can be a season that brings us joy. I wanted to share my two little Christmas stories so that we can all remember it's the joy that matters.

I'll close with a third little Christmas story. This time, it is Tony's first Christmas and we've just decorated the tree. I sat on the floor, cross-legged, with Tony on my lap as his dad turned off the lights in the room and turned on the lights of the tree. As soon as the lights in the room went out, there was a loud intake of air from the little guy in my lap and an exhaled, "Wow!"

My message? Encounter this season with and for the "wows"! I hope you all have a wonderful holiday season!!!

Old Blog, New Effort

2009-01-10T17:06:00.000-08:00

So it's the new year and everyone is reflecting and making plans and promises for making 2009 the best ever. I also have been reflecting and I keep alternating between making promises to myself and giving up on myself.

I started this blog a couple years ago because I was proud that I had lost around 30 pounds and wanted to start talking about my "weight loss journey." I did end up losing a total of 60 pounds. Trouble is, over the past year and a half, I've put 40 of them back on.

Other trouble is that hubby and I have gotten ourselves into a manageable but ridiculous credit card debt.

So ....

I started to talk myself out of trying to lose those 40 pounds, saying, "self, you can be happy with your weight. You are too old to be trying to lose weight, just buy new clothes and move on."

Well, today I actually listened to what I was saying and realized how much it DIDN'T sound like something I would say.

So ....

My plan is twofold. First, David and I have made a commitment to ourselves and to our children to focus all our financial efforts on paying off the debt. I feel very optimistic about it. We have been in our plan for over two weeks and so far have done a great job of eliminating the excess spending out of our budget. We're actually kind of enjoying this sort of nostalgic walk down memory lane as we recall all the money-saving recipes and policies of our parents when we were kids. I believe that, although our debt is quite large and will probably take 5 years or so to eliminate, it will get done. Hey, maybe I'll finally finish that book, it'll get published, and all our worries will be over ....

Second, I'm going to stop kidding myself. The happiest I ever was with myself was when I had lost those 60 pounds. I haven't quite gotten to where I've gained all of them back - I need to lose 40-45 pounds to fit back into my size 8 clothes. I will start attacking the weight like I am the budget. Eliminate excess input -- no cheese, no bread, sensible portions, and the exercise which I truly do enjoy.

Stay tuned, I may even start updating this blog more often!

Thankful For Time ...

2008-11-24T16:40:00.000-08:00

Before I get started on an emotional post, I'll put in a plug for my new favorite wine. It is called simply, Red. It is a perfect blend of Cab Sav, Merlot, and something else, I can't remember, but it is lovely. Smooth, dry, and spicy. Look for it - it has a black label and a splash of red, as though someone has slung paint at the label. There are several variations of splashes, collect them all! *smile*

Ok, here goes:

I lost my dad three years ago. I was driving home to Texas from having spent Christmas with him, my mom, my sister, and my nephew the day after Christmas when I got the phone call. Dad wasn't gone yet, but he would never come out of the coma he'd fallen into just hours after I'd left and he would die before the New Year could ring in.

Holidays are not as tough for me as one might think, but this year has been a little tougher than the last two were. Memories of my father stream in and out of my conciousness every day over the last two weeks. I feel like he is here with me and it worries me. It is almost as if he's come back to wait for someone. Will I lose my mother? Will there be complications in my own recovery from a recent surgery? Is Dad just visiting?

Whatever the reason, I have to say that, although I have indeed spent some time bawling like a baby the last few days because of it, my memories of my father mostly make me thankful. Thankful for all the years I had him. He was 73 when he died and had experienced a lifetime of medical ailments that included several brain surgeries beginning when he was only fifteen years old. I was always amazed at how intelligent my father was, even more so because I knew that 1/3 of his brain was gone. Permanently destroyed as a result of the many invasions over the years.

This month I am teaching a Sunday School class that my father would have felt at home in. This week I opened my lesson talking about my dad. Here's what I said:

I lost my dad three years ago over the holidays. About two years before he died, I was sitting at his table eating breakfast (my dad was the best breakfast cook - he couldn't cook much else, but his breakfast was IT!), and he said "Elaine, I think of all of my children, you know me best. I want you to write something to be read at my funeral." Of course, I was taken aback, but the day he went into the hospital, after I had turned my car around and driven through smoke-filled skies (Oklahoma was on fire that night, literally), and blurry eyes from the tears, I began to formulate what would become the words to be read at my wonderful father's funeral. I'm going to share the first paragraph with you. "Someone once compared my dad to a “broken vessel in the marketplace.” Dad always liked that comparison, seeing himself as a quiet, humble person, largely unnoticed by the masses. I never believed the comparison fit him. While Dad surely was as humble and unassuming as a broken vessel, he did not spend his life unnoticed, nor did he go through his life without touching the lives of those around him." Perspectives - that's what this class is about today.

I could go on and on about all the things my dad taught me over the years, but I won't bore you. What I will say is this - this season, I am most thankful for time. The time I had with my dad. The time I've had with my mom, my sisters, my brother. The precious time I've had with my children. The time I've had to truly live.

It's Not Good Enough

2008-09-16T10:38:00.000-07:00

I'm in a rocking chair in a darkened room. The only light comes from a small flourescent over the sink and the red and green lights on the pump that is connected to my son via a line that goes into his chest. The line is not new - he has had it for several months. It serves many purposes. Tonight it feeds him antibiotics to fight the bacterial infection that has developed in his blood. I can feel the vibration of his grinding teeth in the bend of my elbow where his bald head lay. His body is curled up as tight as possible in my lap. The heat radiating from his fevered body causes my own to sweat but there is no way I'm letting him go. I think he sleeps but still his face holds a tormented look as he battles unseen harm. I am alone except for my boy. On this night I have been told I may lose him. If he makes it to daylight he will have a better chance. I look at his face and gently begin rocking the chair. This is the only position in which he can sleep. I will not sleep tonight. Prayers have been said. There are no more begging requests I can issue. I am a helpless eyewitness to the struggle my baby is facing. I begin to hum Amazing Grace.

This is a piece of the experiences I had in 2002 with my son, Nathan, who was diagnosed with alveolar rhabdomyosarcoma shortly after his first birthday. He survived that night and every night since then. He now lives with no real memories of that year, only vague emotions when we go near a big white building (hospital) or smells popcorn (which the ladies in the oncology office popped every time he came in for chemotherapy). But I remember.

34 children will be diagnosed with cancer today. Of those children, one in five will not survive. If you read those statistics (78% survival rate) and think "that's good enough", what would you tell the parents of the 22% who don't survive? If my son had not made it, that would mean a zero percent survival rate. That's not good enough.

Funding has been cut for childhood cancer research. If my son had died that night, it would not have been the cancer that killed him, but the treatment. If we do not continue research into better treatments and possible cures, children will continue to die and leave devastated families behind.

Please take a moment to visit www.curesearch.org and find out ways you can help in the fight. Write your congressmen and urge them to pass the Conquer Childhood Cancer Act. Do this for the cancer kids. Do this for your kid.

Contemplation

2008-06-14T19:23:00.000-07:00

I started off this blog saying I was going to use it as a place to reflect on various aspects of my life. So far I haven't done a very good job. Today I might do a little better . . .

I've put a new picture up on this blog. It is of my youngest son, Nathan, and myself. I took this a couple days ago on my new Moto Q. I was just trying out the camera, and I know it came out a little overexposed on Nathan, but something about the light radiating from his face makes me love this picture.

Those of you who know me know how special Nathan is. For those of you who don't, I'll tell you. In January, 2002, shortly after his first birthday, Nathan was diagnosed with alveolar rhabdomyosarcoma, a very aggressive and very rare form of cancer. I can remember coming home from the hospital after that first stay and the feeling of surreality that surrounded that home that had once been "normal" and which now housed a baby who had an oncologist. I can remember sitting in a chair alone that evening after the kids were in bed, mouthing and saying the word . . . oncologist. The words Nathan and oncologist in the same sentence seemed so foreign and so wrong.

I'll not go into the details of the year of radiation and chemotherapy that followed. As a single mom, with two other young children, it was a life-changing experience. Today, Nathan is a happy and healthy 7-year-old boy. He is an extremely intelligent child, a delight, and my joy.

Why have I bothered to put this in my blog? I have to come to grips with the fact that this is and will always be such a large part of who I am. I suppose the people who encounter me frequently may get tired of hearing about Nathan. I think that I have a need to share some of his story as a way to keep it fresh in my mind, lest I begin to forget how precious Nathan, and life itself, is.

We all go through our lives so busy and so immersed in the things that we think make us happy. Don't forget to spend the best of your lives with the people who are actually capable of composing your happiness.

Reflections On My Afternoon Off and May Wine Pick

2008-05-21T15:37:00.000-07:00

So my last post let you know that my building had been evacuated. Turned out that a building across the street which housed hazardous chemicals had some kind of a leak and so they evacuated five buildings surrounding it. They ended up telling us that it would be hours before they could clear the buildings and let us back in, so we got to go home. Woot!

With my extra time, I decided to stop at the post office to buy stamps for the postcards I need to get mailed out for my high school reunion, but the nice lady at the post office said they were all sold out. Now I have to figure out another way . . .

Then I stopped at the store to buy some stuff and came out with three bottles of wine - go figure. One of the wines I will make my wine pick for May - Robert Mondavi Private Selection Vinetta. It is a red wine blend, very smooth, and priced right!

So then I came home, got some things done in SL(tm) and have been sitting in my room, hearing the noises coming from the rest of my house and I started thinking - uh oh - blog post time!

I'll try to keep this short (wait, I've already gone on a little too long). Oh well. The short of it is that, listening to the sounds of my five kids in various rooms throughout our small house, two daughters with phones attached to their heads (boyfriends on the other side), three boys each watching TV or playing on another computer, I feel blessed. I have great kids. I have a great husband who is a great father to my great kids. I love my life. If I die from inhaling hazardous chemicals today, I will die a happy person!

Go forth, be happy, and drink more vino!

Fun, fun

2008-05-21T12:37:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm standing at a public computer writing this blog post. The building I work in was just evacuated because another building across the street has a hazardous chemical leak. *sigh* It's odd how quickly after hearing about a chemical leak my throat hurts and my head is aching . . . hmmmm

Stay tuned!

Is Peace Possible?

2008-04-15T06:40:00.000-07:00

What if you answered a knock on your door and found a person standing there who told you that their ancestors used to own the land you are on and they are taking it back because it is rightfully theirs? What if you and your own family had lived on and worked that land for many years? How would you feel?

This is how the talk opened up on Sunday night when I went to see Rev. Mel Bishara speak about the history of unrest in Israel. Reverend Bishara has a unique perspective -- he grew up in Israel as a Palestinian Christian. I have to say, at first I was a little uncomfortable. Once I realized Mel was able to give us an account of the unrest in Israel from a Palestinian perspective, I was forced to come to grips with some truths I had not previously understood.

Becoming very passionate when he pointed out that from Palestinian perspective, every loved one who has been killed, every house that has been leveled, has been a result of a tank or missle or some form of destruction that says "Made in U.S.A." on it. He was quick to point out that he doesn't in any way condone what Palestinian terrorists do, but he was able to see their perspective on it.

I was totally unaware of the civil disregard Palestinians face on a daily basis - having special license plates on their cars so everyone knows they are Palestinian, facing severe travel and work restrictions, being forbidden to go certain places - I realized I was listening to something even bigger than our own civil rights issues before the civil rights movement.

I don't know what the answer is. I found myself after the talk thinking that now I know more about what's going on, but definitely know less about what the solution is. While Mel brought up the original statement I opened my blog with to showcase how Palestinians felt when they lost their land, I couldn't help but see that the same story would be told by Israelis if the Palestinians were returned their homeland now. It seems to be a no-win situation.

The glimmer of hope Mel pointed out was that in schools and hospitals in the country, people of all faiths and races are working together for good. If only everyone would realize that God wants us all to live peacefully together, no matter what our faith, and quit trying to say that only one type of person should live in Israel, peace could be achieved.

In the end, I'm left with prayer being my only solution. I'll pray diligently for the peoples of Israel and the Palestinians and hope for peace in the future.

Back from Easter

2008-03-24T10:27:00.000-07:00

This morning, as I was dropping off my kids at school, I watched a teacher walk in. She had that look on her face that I knew meant - oh God, I have to teach again. It was at that moment that I realized how much I don't miss that part of teaching. Although I no longer have the nice spring break, summer, etc., I am glad that I work at a "regular" job now. For me, I think the emotional roller coaster of work, no work, work, no work was just too hard. I had way too good of a life at home and being torn from it at the end of summer, end of winter holiday, end of spring break, was really hard. My thoughts are with the teachers today!

David and I spent our three-day weekend staying at cool places, sort of a getaway without really getting away. To back up a bit, last weekend we drove my three kids to Kansas to stay with their Dad. On the way home, we stayed at a four-star hotel, The Waterford, in Oklahoma City. It was a really nice and historic hotel. We walked to Bellini's Italian Restaurant which was truly exceptional.

So, this weekend, we took a couple days to get back to Kansas to pick up the kids. Thursday night we stayed at a fabulous B & B called the Victorian Garden Inn in Guthrie, Oklahoma. Although a Victorian style home, we had all the creature comforts, including a nice big jacuzzi in our room! The hostess had all the details planned out - cookies and chocolates in our room - she'd even bought our favorite soft drinks to stock the in-room fridge! It was a great stay and we'll definitely go back again.

Friday night, we stayed at a hotel I'd wanted to stay in since way back when I lived in Kansas, The Hotel at Old Town in Wichita. A converted warehouse, the hotel was also a sort of museum, housing artifacts from the company who had built the warehouse, Simmons Hardware, who made and distributed Keen Kutter tools. It was cool walking through all the floors, looking at the old tools, appliances, and photographs. Friday night, we drove to a really nice Italian restaurant called Bella Donna, which had a fabulous red wine flight and terrific food. Then we went to a movie and back to the hotel to sit at the piano bar and listen to some good music.

All in all, I'm very well-rested after my little weekend excursion. It was just what I needed!

January is Already Gone!

2008-02-06T12:13:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I missed January altogether. What can I say? I'm a busy person (and nobody is reading this, anyway, so it's all good!)

I made a major change in January, changing jobs! I am no longer a classroom teacher, and I probably never will be one again. You can read my blog for new teachers called "Cruel Shoes" to find out why. I'm now working at Southern Methodist University and it looks like I'm really going to like it!

I'm also in rehearsals for a murder mystery dinner called "Mayhem in Mayville", which will be performed on February 15 at FUMC Hurst. It's my acting debut, and I'm having a lot of fun with it, but I will be glad when it's over and I can get my life back!

Since I missed January, I'll go ahead and give you two "wines of the month":

First up, a new varietal (for me) called Carmenere. It is a French grape from the Bordeaux region and it makes a really nice red. My favorite so far is Castillo de Molina. It is a very dark red, almost purple, and very smooth!

Next, I'll choose another Shiraz. This time, it is Frei Brothers Syrah from California. This bottle of wine will cost you a little more, but you'll find that drinking it is like pouring silk down your throat. Very smooth, with a slight hint of spice, this wine is good to see, smell, taste, and experience!

Awesome Bed & Breakfast and Laner's Wine Pick of the Month!

2007-12-27T13:07:00.000-08:00

Hello, everyone!

I hope the Christmas holiday was a good one for you all! I spent Christmas in Kansas. All my sisters and brother were there, so I got to visit with people I haven't seen in quite awhile. We stayed at an awesome Bed & Breakfast, so I thought I'd put a plug in for them. It was a place in Stafford, Kansas, called the Henderson House. Henderson House is part of a group of older homes in Stafford, all in the same neighborhood, that have been renovated and are currently used as bed and breakfasts. There is even an old renovated church, so if anyone wants to have a wedding and house the wedding party in the old houses, it would be a cool place to do so! The house we were in was wonderful. Beautiful antique furnishings, interesting architectural features, and an owner who has ties to the Hendersons, which made the history of the home very available to visitors, all made for a wonderfully charming Christmas. The house was already decorated for Christmas, and I found myself wishing that we'd planned on having our own family Christmas there. We'll definitely find a reason to stay there again in the future!

Laner's Wine Pick of the Month:

Barossa Valley Shiraz. It's an inexpensive Shiraz with an exceptionally silky texture. A hint of spice finishes off this dry red. As a person who has "graduated" away from most Shiraz, I am happy to be able to include Barossa Valley Shiraz as one of my favorites. I was reminded of the quality of this wine on my recent trip to Birmingham, Alabama, where the hotel bar served me two bottles of Barossa Valley over the course of three days! Run out and buy one - let me know what you think!

Finally Saw Birmingham

2007-12-07T17:36:00.000-08:00

Well, at least a little. I finished with the last session I decided to go to at about 3:15. Took my bags back to the hotel and was back at the conference center by 4:00. I had heard that the Pompeii exhibit was at the Birmingham Museum of Art and I decided that I wanted to do at least one thing outside of the conference while I'm here. I asked for directions, set off on foot, and found my way to the Museum.

The exhibit was going to close only an hour after I got there. Museum staff directed me to where they suggested I would find the best stuff and I headed up there. The exhibit was fascinating. I can remember when I was in elementary school, reading about and looking at pictures of the plaster casts of people who had died in Pompeii and Herculean when Vesuvius erupted. Here I was, finally standing in front of some of those casts, along with a lot of jewelry and other artifacts that have been excavated.

Standing before the large frescoes, looking at the beautiful jewelry, and reading about where they were found and what bodies had been found hit me profoundly. I imagined how awful that day must have been for those people, with the sky turning black, the ash closing in, and the final pyroclastic cloud that took their lives. Some of the plaster casts were so poignant, mothers clutching their children in death, some very young, others teenagers - in the end, mom's response to such an emergency is to protect her young and a child's natural instinct is to cling to mother.

I'm glad I went, although the walk home was a little scary for me - it was getting dark and I was not in the best part of town. Today was the end of my Birmingham experience - I plan to sleep a little late in the morning and head straight to the airport, so my convention-going is over. It's been a good visit, though.

Sweet Home Alabama?

2007-12-06T18:21:00.000-08:00

So I'm in Birmingham, Alabama, for the National Science Teacher's Association (NSTA) conference. It's going to be two days away from school, three nights away from home. I'm finding that, although I really, really needed some time away from all the demands my kids put on me, I don't like being totally alone for this much time in a strange city I've never been in. The hotel I'm in is historic and I have a really nice room with a huge bed and coffee in the morning, etc. But the bummer is that once I'm at the hotel for the evening, since I'm not here with collegues, I can't go out and experience Birmingham. For example, a local museum has a Pompeii exhibit right now that I would LOVE to go see, but I'm not adventurous enough to figure out how to get there on my own.

I don't know -- we'll see how I feel tomorrow night after another whole day of alone time. Maybe I'll just call a cab. Stay tuned . . .

Holidays ... they're here!

2007-12-03T09:30:00.000-08:00

Wow, hard to believe I've already let another two months pass without blogging. Not that anyone notices, right? LOL

Anyway, the holidays are upon us and I'm busier than ever! It seems like I absolutely do not have the time to do much of anything. I've been thinking a lot lately about Christmases past. I've come to realize that nothing really changes for me as far as Christmas goes. The meaning of the season for me, the wonderful promise that was fulfilled, is as strong for me as ever. Although I do get caught up in the rush of buying presents and am very excited about the idea of seeing my kids' faces light up this year, I cannot lose sight of the "reason for the season."

Our minister this Sunday told a really nice little analogy in his sermon this week I thought I'd share: He talked about a little girl who had wrapped presents for her mom and dad and put them under the tree. On Christmas morning, the parents opened up the gifts. Dad got a blue tie that seemed really familiar to him. Mom received a nice pair of earrings that she recognized. When asked where she'd gotten the gifts, the little girl said "you had them packed away in the cedar chest." After telling this little story, our minister said "Jesus is here now." It hit me pretty hard. We all begin the season of Advent wondering - when will the messiah come again? The answer is, He is already here - the gift has been given and can never be taken back. Jesus is here, some of us just may have packed Him away and forgotten about him. It's time to take Him out of the cedar chest, don't you think?

Always my Fault!

2007-10-16T19:59:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I'm finding out that I'm just as much of a procrastinator with a web blog as I always was with my journal! I'll end up making a post every few months - but I guess that's better than never. (Of course, that's a matter of opinion - y'all might really want me to just shut up!)

I had an interesting experience this weekend that I thought I'd share. I presented a workshop on Digital Storytelling. Woohoo! Big whoop, right? Well the big deal was that it was a workshop in Second Life - an online virtual world. It was a great experience. You can read my professional blog about it here.

Anyway, why did I title this post "Always my Fault!"? Well, I found out this week that my daughter's near-failing grade in her 7th grade math class is all my fault -- because I gave her the gene for forgetfulness! LOL - thought I'd share that so everyone can get a chuckle! Have a great day and don't forget to laugh!

Back to School

2007-08-21T18:41:00.000-07:00

Okay, I'm sitting here on my last evening before I have to return to work for the year having mixed feelings. At one end, excited about the new year and trying out all the things I've learned this summer -- I really think I might be a better teacher this year -- and on the other end, sad to see my summer end, because it has been a wonderful one. The kids and I have gotten to spend so much time together, we got to take lots of trips, and well .... everyone who manages to have extended time off from work knows -- it's just FUN being able to define your own schedule!

That said, I'm approaching the new year determined to give it my best shot -- to try to provide an engaging atmosphere for my students, to be a good support resource for the department teachers (I am only a teacher part-time, the rest of the time I'm a teacher coach), and to be a good employee for the district. We'll see how I do!

Back to School?

2007-08-17T10:36:00.000-07:00

Well, it's time to get into the mindset of "back to school", isn't it? I have to say, I'm not really looking forward to the school year. I think that I had too good of a summer. I really enjoyed being with my kids and I enjoyed being able to keep the house the way I want it and to explore whatever I felt like exploring.

I've been devoting a lot of time to my volunteer work with Discovery Education. Sometimes, it feels like a full-time job! On Wednesday, we had our grand-opening gala in Second Life. It was a huge success and proved to us that our efforts to start a workable collaborative educator group in Second Life IS possible! Hall Davidson blogged about the gala on the DEN Media Matters blog. Check it out!

Good Morning!

2007-08-11T06:15:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I was up until 2:30 this morning, talking to a good friend of mine. Had to be up at 6:00 to get ready for my WW meeting. It was worth waking up, because I lost three pounds this week! Over this summer, I'd gained 10, so I'm on my way to getting back on track!

Wanted to share something that I heard this morning. You've all heard the quote "You are what you eat", right? Well, if that is really true, that could be a problem because that would mean we are all fast, cheap, and easy!

Have a great day!

Cel and JessieMarie SL in RL

2007-08-10T08:02:00.001-07:00

Cel and JessieMarie SL in RL
Originally uploaded by atruger

Here's a picture of myself (on the left) and one of my new friends I met on the cruise. We are Celestia Cazalet (me) and JessieMarie Flanagan in Second Life. We had been collaborating on the Discovery Educator Network (DEN) in Second Life project for several months and finally got to meet in real life on the DEN National Institute cruise.

Summer's Over

2007-08-10T07:47:00.001-07:00

Okay, so I'm a teacher and that means that during the summer, I'm pretty incognito. I did spend a lot of time on the net this summer, but posting to this blog didn't take the top priority.

My summer was filled with great things -- mission trip with my junior high kids to Waco, Texas -- family vacation to Colorado and New Mexico (thanks, John for the use of your cabin!) -- and a cruise to the Bahamas!!

The Bahamas cruise was awesome! It marked several "firsts" for me -- first time on a cruise, first time out of the country, first time to see and swim in the ocean! It was a great time, although it was a working vacation. You see, Discovery Education sent me on the cruise, free of charge, as a STAR Discovery Educator. Well, you can't beat that! Fun, great experiences, and valuable information and new collaborative relationships all wrapped up in one four-day cruise! It was great, and I really appreciate all my new friends I met on the cruise!

Now it is back-to-school time and to be honest, I've been dragging about that. During the summers I get used to being home and taking care of the house and kids and it is hard for me to get back into the swing, BUT the school I am at is an innovative school and it is a privilege to work there, so I'll jump back in and run with it and before you know it, it'll be time for another exciting summer!

P.S. I gained 10 pounds over the summer, so I'm also jumping back on the weight loss wagon, with 20 more pounds to lose before I hit my goal!

Spring Equals Life!

2007-04-17T06:09:00.000-07:00

Wow, it sure is looking like spring out there! After all the unseasonal cold, and last week's tornado/hailstorm, it is nice to drive to work looking at beautiful trees and flowers, and to hear the birds singing. (is this where the sound of a record being scratched comes in?) But really, it is wonderful to be alive! Another wonderful thing is that my youngest son is alive! A cancer survivor since shortly after his first birthday, he will celebrate his fifth year off of treatment in November of this year! Every year, we try to make a point to especially appreciate our lives during the month of November, but this year we'll go all out -- with a party and lots of celebration! Part of that is our push this year for Relay for Life. Each year, we try to participate in some way and this year, Nathan will be a survivor participant. We are trying to raise $100 to donate to the American Cancer Society to represent our appreciation for life. If you'd like to donate, you can do it online, it's simple! Simply click here and you'll be directed to Nathan's donation page. Celebrate Life!

I'm back!

2007-04-12T05:52:00.000-07:00

Had a bit of trouble remembering passwords, etc., so I was unable to post for awhile, but I finally figured it out and am back! In the meantime, I've taken on the responsibility of maintaining the Texas blog for the Discovery Educator Network, so you can always find me there.

I went on a wonderful bike ride called the Ride for Heroes a couple weeks ago! Hubby and I opted to take a moderate 32 mile route, instead of the heftier 40, 50, or 75 mile routes, and it ended up being a really nice ride. There were some killer hills in those 32 miles, it was slightly chilly, there were headwinds and crosswinds, and I managed to almost be hit by a truck and I did fall off my bike once -- so it was a ride that was just challenging enough to be interesting, but still fun! This Saturday, I will be participating in the Victory over Violence 5K walk/run with some of my pals from WW in Fort Worth -- I'm hoping the weather will be nice for it!

Hope everyone has a great day!

Okay, so today wasn't so good!

2007-01-15T16:56:00.000-08:00

Woke up this morning to find out that I didn't have to go in to work. I'm a teacher, and the district I work for doesn't take MLK day off, but we got an ice day anyway! I started off my day well - worked out, played a little Wii. Problems started when DH woke up and made french toast and sausage for breakfast :( Oh well, I think I made fairly good decisions the rest of the day (with the exception of that Cinnamon Dolce Latte, hmmm). Anyway, today will be my high point day and the rest of the week I should be able to stay on track since I'll be back to school.

Managed to get my milk and oils in today, as well as all my water. My plans for the rest of the week are to continue getting those in, exercise, and try not to use any more of my flex points for the week.

Thought for today: Remember that life is a journey, not a destination .... so stop running!

The journey continues ...

2007-01-14T14:49:00.000-08:00

This is the first post to my blog, but I am well into my journey already. I thought I'd start this blog to share my joys, concerns, tips, and frustrations with my weight loss journey. I began this journey in August by joining Weight Watchers. I have, so far, lost 43.8 pounds! I am a completely different person!

I've found that this journey has been a lot easier than I thought it would be, because my "diet" isn't a diet at all, but a lifestyle change. I do not feel like I am forbidden to have anything, I just make much better choices.

This week, my challenge to myself is to make sure to get my healthy oils and milk servings in every day. So far (two days into this week) I've made it!

Thought for today: "To try to be better is to be better." Charlotte Cushman

Have a great day!